Billy is just picking up his fare, a young woman with nice legs and a terrible sheer blue shirtdress over a white slip. She tells him that she’s going to the Valley, but she’s never been there. I love the way, whenever the Valley is mentioned, it’s clearly synonymous with “nuclear landfill.” He assures her he can find the way.
In the cab, Billy is indulging in a monologue about how no one in LA really knows each other. Oddly, his fare seems to enjoy his self-satisfied ramblings and agrees. “You’ve got a whole city that’s afraid of commitment,” he continues, at which point the fare jumps out. Instead of running away, she actually sits up front with him. In case that wasn’t enough evidence that she’s a bit off in the head, she then tells him that he looks just like Springsteen, back when he still had his edge. This leads to them discovering that they were only two rows apart at his last concert. Being the simpletons they are, they are both flabbergasted by this realization. Billy suggests that he knows a great Italian place on Mulholland and she, shocked, says, “I love Italian!” “How did I know that?” asks Billy, shaking his head. Perhaps because everyone with taste buds loves Italian food? They stare at each other with the gaze of blossoming love, and Billy turns off his cab light.
Back at the unemployment office, Klingon tells a Hispanic woman with a child draped around her neck that he’ll reissue a check to her new address. Way to perpetuate the stereotype of the lazy immigrant welfare mother, show! She pleads with him, saying she needs the check now, but Klingon can’t go against policy. Jake, standing behind her, hears the word “policy,” which immediately triggers his lone wolf rebel. He tells the guy to “come on, man, give her the check,” Poor Klingon rubs his eyes and wonders how many hours are left until he can go home and drown his sorrows about his wasted life in a bottle of Jack Daniels. He tells them that they can make an emergency request at window D. Jake, sick of all alphabetical windows, grabs the woman’s check off the counter and tries to run with it, but Klingon chases after him. Angry Jakes pushes him to the ground and security hauls him off, just as Kelly arrives to see the whole thing.
At the police station, Kelly attempts to bail him out, but all her credit cards are declined. Is there some sort of “Kelly’s family loses all their money” plot going on over at 90210? Jess? When Kelly asks if a $1000 bail is a bit high, the cop helping her says that she’s lucky it’s not $5000, considering his prior arrests. Kelly looks sad that her current obsession got in trouble before, when she was not available to save him.
Night time at Melrose Place, and Billy enters his apartment with his fare, who still doesn’t have a name. Rather than turning on the lights, he grabs a strawberry, which happens to be sitting on the mantel – really, who keeps fruit on the mantel? – and feeds it to her in what is surely meant to be a moment of seduction. They share a strawberry-flavored kiss before tumbling onto the couch in full makeout mode. This is the moment Alison chooses to enter, lugging several paint cans. She is not happy to find them there, despite last week’s agreement that they each get one sofa make-out session per week.
After a fair bit of awkward conversation, Billy and Fare run into his bedroom while Alison remains in the living room, looking shocked, annoyed and, of course, self-righteous.
Some time later, she is spackling the walls and trying to ignore the giggling and lip smacking coming from Billy’s bedroom. I shudder to think about a kissing technique that can be heard through a closed door. Alison, horrified yet fascinated, moves closer to the bedroom until she’s standing right outside the door – which Billy immediately opens. She looks guilty for a second, then goes on the defensive, asking if he’s completely lost his mind, since he just met this woman. Well, you can’t have cheap casual sex if you get to know them first, Alison. Alison continues to wig out, and her head nearly explodes when he assures her that he always uses condoms. She asks him to keep it down and walks off, looking disgusted. I’d include these “Shut up, Alison” moments as part of the Melrose drinking game, but I don’t think any of our livers can take that.
The next morning, Alison is happily reading her paper first when Fare comes out in one of Billy’s shirts, asking if she can use her deodorant. Alison’s mouth says, “I guess so,” but that appears to be code for “If you must, you dirty, filthy whore.” After she leaves, Alison tells Billy that’s even though it’s none of her business…. Billy interrupts to say that they didn’t have sex, and just stayed up talking. He wonders if he and Alison need to discuss the feelings she’s having. Her indignation is interrupted when Fare comes back out, wondering if she can eat the grapefruit with Alison’s name on it.
Billy asks what Fare does for a living, and she makes him guess, which is so annoying that I now refuse to call her by name even if she ever gets one. He picks teacher or lawyer, both wrong, and she asks Alison to jump in and guess. “Astronaut?” she snarks. “Brain surgeon?” Okay, ha! Fare proudly announces, “Dental student!” Billy is disproportionately impressed with her oral hygiene skills. Alison rolls her eyes and leaves. Billy and Fare immediately start making out.
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