Back at the police station, Jake is finally getting out of the big house. Kelly runs up behind him, apologizing for taking so long, but she had to wait till the bank’s opened. “You bailed me out?” he asks angrily. “When are you gonna understand? I’m no good for you. We’re from different worlds!” She doesn’t care! She wants his angry, shirtless love! I might be paraphrasing a little here. He walks away, insisting he’ll pay her back, and leaving her to gaze woefully after him.
Fare runs around the apartment, lighting candles. Doesn’t this woman have her own place? Aren’t people still waiting for her in the Valley? Alison walks in, and Fare looks disappointed, saying that she thought it was Billy. So Billy meets this woman a day ago and then leaves the apartment, letting her have free reign of a place that’s only half his. Thank god. I didn’t know how to deal with being completely on his side through all of this. Fare says he’s at the grocery store. “What you must think of me!” she laughs. She assures Alison that this is most unlike her, and she’s just blown away by meeting wonderful Billy.
She asks Alison to tell her everything she’s ever known about Billy, and is surprised to hear that they’ve only been living together a week. Fare thinks Alison is very protective of him, for such a short friendship. Billy walks in at that moment and is greeted with a very eager kiss. He suggests that perhaps they can eat later, after they work up an appetite, and retreat to his room. Anything that keeps the two of them out of my eyesight, I support.
Hey, it’s Jane and Michael! I remember them. Jane is still upset that Michael can’t remember when he fell in love with her. She agrees that she shouldn’t be as angry as she is, but says that his forgetfulness is merely a symptom of a larger problem. So she should be this angry? Michael asks to discuss it, and says there’s no need to panic. She disagrees, and thinks they should terrified if the romance has left their marriage so soon. Michael is saved from his drama queen of a wife when Alison barges in.
Michael swears he’s working on the plumbing, but that’s not why she’s there. No, she wants to vent about “Marcy.” So, now she has a name? Well, if she had any hope of being here an episode from now, I’d care, but the show is currently following the path proudly blazed by 90210, in which characters turn up for one episode and are never mentioned again, so I’m sticking with Fare, if only because it doesn’t sound a damn thing like my own name. I can be petty like that.
Anyway, Alison is ranting that the two are probably engaged by now, at the speed they’re traveling. She is shocked – shocked, she says! – by their relationship, and wants to know if all relationships in LA are this haphazard and ridiculous. Jane and Michael somehow refrain from laughing directly at her, and Jane goes so far as to suggest that maybe it’s love at first sight, which she of course believes in. Michael helpfully interjects that, “Well, for some people, it’s more gradual.” Alison continues to be insane, and Michael reminds her that she does have her own room. To be fair to Alison, it would be nice if she didn’t need to pass through Billy’s candlelit pleasure palace to get to it, but still. Jane asks if she’s jealous, which inspires Alison’s special blend of indignation and self-righteousness.
She finally calms down enough to admit that she thought she and Billy would be friends, and now she hates being treated as if she’s not even there. Jane and Michael exchange a genuinely nice look, one of those married couple glances that speak volumes, and ask what they can do to help. They agree that she can crash with them for the night.
The next day, and it’s time for another pool party, and why the hell is Steve Sanders there? Fare is telling Matt how great it is that they’re all like a family. A moment later, Matt tells Billy that he likes her, because she says what she thinks and she’s clearly nuts about Billy. One might point out that, in order to be interested in Billy, one would have to be nuts to begin with.
Steve is salivating over Sandy’s photos. He’s currently wearing a dark blue, polka dot swimsuit that looks like a pair of boxer shorts, and pair of running shoes with white socks. It’s good to see that his 90210 fashion sense arrived at Melrose Place intact. Fare bounds up to them, introducing herself as Billy’s new girlfriend, then decides that sounds too high school and says she’s his lover. I thank our current, wiser generation for adopting the term “partner” when unwilling to use “girlfriend,” because I am still incapable of hearing anyone use the term “lover” without wincing and wondering if I got lost on my way to an SNL “The Continental” sketch.
Sandy spots Jake and figures out that he didn’t come home last night. Didn’t he get out of jail yesterday? He’s probably been riding around on his Harley, thinking deep, soulful thoughts while the wind whips his hair about in a stylish, photogenic way.
Billy looks worried as he spots Fare happily regaling Rhonda and Steve with tales of Billy’s soft lips. Inappropriate!
Jane comes up behind him to suggest that he burn every moment into his memory, because falling in love is the greatest experience anyone can have. Billy is confused by her blatant projection and asks if this is love.
While Fare runs around, telling anyone who will listen about Billy’s adorable habits – apparently, he wears his socks to bed – he takes over grill duties from Alison. Suddenly, he looks a bit worried about his new girlfriend, and admits this to Alison. “She’s the most aggressive woman I’ve ever met,” she says gleefully. Could they not have found a better word, one which does not perpetuate the myth that an aggressive woman is a bad thing? What, was “crazy” unavailable? I’d even settle for “needy.” Billy tells her that, just because he saved her from Hal (which he totally didn’t), he doesn’t need to be rescued from Fare. Alison points out that she never said he needed rescuing. She leaves, and Billy tries to figure out whether she just insulted him.
He overhears fare telling Rhonda and Sandy about the glorious ways his touch made her feel and Billy suddenly finds himself in a fantasy sequence starring…Dr. Ruth. She’s there to talk about women who just can’t get enough, with today’s guest, Fare, a self-confessed oversexed talkaholic. Fantasy Fare talks about all the ways Billy was a dream lover. I assume Billy must not talk during sex, then. In fact, she says, everything was perfect except for one problem…his roommate.
Back in reality, Alison is screaming at Billy, who is now standing over a roaring grill fire. Did his fantasy self suddenly feel the need to throw lighter fluid all over the coals? Rhonda offers to take over and let Billy rest, since he’ll need his strength that night. Inappropriate!
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