Night time, and the party’s over. Jake enters to see Michael fixing the plumbing in a less than competent manner. He offers to help, and they share a manly tool-based bonding moment. Jane appears to tell Michael good night. She is still grumpy.
Billy watches a nature program about female spiders that kill and eat their mates. Slow down there, show! I might not be able to catch the symbolism if you’re going to be so subtle about it. Fare plops down beside him and says she can’t believe it’s almost Monday. Billy suggests that she might need to study for an exam she has the next day, but she says that would interfere with her plans to kill and eat him. Or something like that. She continues to crazy all over him before saying that she loves him. He looks slightly less than enthusiastic about her declaration
Monday morning, and Alison asks if Fare is gone. Billy tells her that he has a real problem and needs help. She coldly tells him that his love life is none of her business, and he deliberately mirrors her earlier comment, saying that he wishes he had someone to talk to. Fare calls out from the bathroom, asking for a towel, and god, GO HOME ALREADY.
And we’re back to 90210, as Kelly, Donna and David leave Kelly’s house en route to the hospital to visit baby Erin. Jake pulls up on his motorcycle, and Kelly walks over to him, eager to hear his declarations of true love. Unfortunately for her, he’s just there to give her $200. She angrily says that she was just helping him, and doesn’t want anything in return. “You’re always making such a big deal about me being the kid here, now you’re the one that’s acting like it.” Or maybe some people aren’t comfortable taking handouts from obsessed teenage girls. She throws his money back at him and he roars off.
That night, at Shooters, Billy sits down next to Jake, orders a drink, and proceeds to look very sad until Jake asks him if he wants to talk about something. Billy spills his Fare dilemma and says that he’s just been avoiding her. Jake is dubious about that strategy, but Billy seems pretty okay with it, and tells Jake that it works for him. “You tell me what is working in my life right now,” says Jake. Then, because Jake actually isn’t a gigantic asshole, he suggests that Billy tell her the truth, and points out that Billy wasn’t exactly an innocent victim in all this. This seems to clarify stuff for Billy, who leaves an untouched beer on the bar. Oh, the waste.
Sandy strolls over, calling Jake the man with answers to everyone’s problems but his own. He asks if she’s busy that night, but she tells him that she has way to much self-respect to be anyone’s second choice, even his. She does not add that they also have about as much sexual chemistry as you’d find between a dung beetle and a stapler.
Billy paces along the side of the pool, waiting for Fare, who eagerly runs up to him. He tells her they need to talk, and she babbles more about how she’s never felt anything like this. He crushes her dreams quickly, telling her that they are out of control and she is coming on way too strong. Nice. Was something wrong with the “It’s not you, it’s me” standby? He tells her point blank that he’s not in love with her.
Fare, deflated, asks why she always does this, always loses control when she meets someone new. Co-dependent and needy with deep-seated father issues? Just a suggestion. He apologizes, but she assures him she’ll be okay, then wanders off to spread her own brand of crazy all over Los Angeles – but never again at Melrose Place.
In their apartment, Michael and Jane are suddenly apologizing to each other and swearing that they don’t want the romance to leave their marriage. Michael is wearing glasses in this scene, and he somehow looks so much nicer. Is that part of the magical properties of glasses? People look both smarter and kinder? I should totally get a pair.
Jane starts preparing dinner, and as she does so, Michael quietly tells her how he knows he’s in love in with her, and it’s not one moment, “but every moment, every day, falling in love with you over and over.” Wow, the glasses do make him kinder. Jane buys every single word and runs onto his lap. They kiss.
Jake is back at Kelly’s, even though he’s not sure what he’s doing there. “I don’t want your money,” she states. “Good, cause I got about ten bucks,” he replies. He then does that thing that only ever happens on television, when the quiet, thoughtful guy first says that he doesn’t express himself well, and then proceeds to say the perfect thing. He tells her that he doesn’t know what is between them, but losing her friendship is not the way to go. He then offers her a ride down to the beach, as there’s a full moon tonight, and now we’re stuck with this storyline for yet one more episode. I’m sorry.
Back in their apartment, Alison and Billy are painting, and he tells her that it’s over with Fare. “She was in this rush, I was on an ego trip, and we just couldn’t communicate,” explains. That’s almost…wise. Well, the ego part, at least. Alison assures him that they can talk to each other. From where I sit, it seems like they’ve done nothing BUT talk to each other for this entire episode. Still, they agree to try being friends, and I resign myself to several more months of Billy and Alison fights.
Next week: Alison reads Billy’s stupendously awful screenplay, and Jane loses her wedding ring during a wild night on the town. Oh, those crazy Melrose kids.
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