The Spelling Bee

Beverly Hills 90210, S02 E13:Halloween.

Last week: Andrea nearly got thrown out of school thanks to Brandon’s idiocy, and Steve had a short-lived relationship with a woman who was just after his money. This week: it’s Halloween! Kelly wears a saucy costume, and Brandon and Emily finally get together. FINALLY.

Candles glow in a jack-o-lantern, and doom-laden music plays. Jack-o-lantern. Jack-o-lantern. OK, we get it, it’s Halloween – as if the name of the episode were not clue enough. In the newsroom, Andrea is drawing faces on a whole load of tiny pumpkins, and Brandon, carrying a giant pumpkin, asks if her pumpkin had a litter. Saintly Andrea explains that they’re for the kids’ party at the Valley Youth Centre. “Isn’t that sweet?” Brandon says sarcastically.

David is in the DJ booth when Scott knocks on the window and enters. David coolly asks him why he isn’t out blowing up pumpkins or something, and Scott says that he had a detention. He asks what David’s doing, and David explains that he’s being paid to make dance tapes for the Halloween party at the old Brownstone Mansion. Scott gleefully announces that he’s going to go to the Corner, and David, exasperated, asks if he’s crazy: there’s not going to be an egg-fight this year. In conspiratorial tones, Scott tells him that’s what the Homeowners’ Association wants him to believe. He names a load of people who are going to be there, and David impatiently tells him that the place is going to be crawling with cops. “Great, I love danger,” says Scott unconvincingly, and David flippantly calls him a “real little action figure.” Scott tells David that you don’t kill a tradition just because a few cops are going to be patrolling, and David should come, but David unsurprisingly says he’s going to go to the party. Scott says that if David changes his mind, he knows where Scott will be, and David unenthusiastically agrees.

Brandon walks down the hall with his pumpkin, seemingly kissing it, and Emily appears, telling him that he’s sure captured the Halloween spirit. Hi, Emily! Nice to see you! And you’ve already had more lines in this episode than in any since you first joined the show! “Halloween? Bah, humbug,” Brandon says, but Emily reminds him that’s Christmas, and he can’t fool her — he’s probably going to the “big Halloween shindig.” Brandon says he hates parties. You go there to socialise and end up standing around in a bunch of smoke and noise, screaming at people that you “like” – he does air quotes – and then you want to leave, but you can’t, because you can’t find the people you’re supposed to drive home, and Brandon doesn’t drink, and he dances like a white guy, so…. Belatedly getting a clue, he adds that if Emily wants to go, maybe… but Emily says that after that build up, she wouldn’t dare.

Brenda and Donna carve pumpkins, and Brenda tells Donna that back in Minnesota they used to make their own costumes, so she can’t imagine going down to Hollywood Costumes and renting something for this party that Joan Collins or somebody else already sweated in. That’d make a fortune on eBay. Donna says she’s pretty sure they clean them, and anyway, she’s renting. She asks what Brandon’s going as, and Brenda rolls her eyes and says he’s staying home, and he does the same thing every year: dresses up as Dracula and tries to scare the trick-or-treaters.

Kelly joins them, and Donna asks what time Andrew and TD are picking them up tonight, but Kelly, annoyed, says they just blew them off. The guys are going to some bash in Malibu, and the worst part is that two months ago they rented Lucy and Ethel costumes to go with their Ricky Ricardo and Fred Mertz costumes, and now they’re going to look like fools. So let me get this straight: two months ago, Kelly was choosing Halloween costumes in concert with some guy we’ve never heard of? Come off it, show; I’ve really reached the point where I find this sloppy writing personally insulting. Brenda says she can’t even get Dylan to agree on any costume, but Kelly doesn’t think it matters, since Brenda and Dylan already have the best relationship at West Beverly. Brenda insists that’s not true, and Kelly agrees, but says she’s just been dumped – can’t she wallow in her own misery? No, she can’t, because the guy she has been ”dumped” by is CLEARLY IMAGINARY. Dylan and Steve appear, and Steve asks what time Hollywood Costumes closes. Donna looks at her watch and says they’d better get a move on if they’re going to find something new.

Hollywood Costumes: Brenda, Dylan, Kelly, Donna and Steve rifle through rack upon rack of costumes. Steve brandishes a Zorro outfit and delightedly announces that this is it, while Dylan says he’s not the dress up type. Brenda begs him to just have a look. Elsewhere in the store, Kelly complains that there’s practically nothing left, everything’s been picked over. Donna pulls out a Munchkin costume and suggests they all wear costumes from the Wizard of Oz, but Kelly is unimpressed. She moves down the racks and produces something small and glittery, excitedly telling Donna to check it out, but Donna fans herself and nervously says that she really couldn’t wear that. Kelly insists that she could, Donna has a great body, but Donna says that she just doesn’t have what it takes to pull the outfit off. Kelly does, but the guys would crack up if Donna wore this. I guess this scene, if nothing else, demonstrates that Tori Spelling isn’t just playing herself here. Donna says she’s going to go and find something fun, and Kelly looks at the small, sparkly number again and says that she’ll try it on.

Brenda marches up to Dylan, pushes a costume into his chest, and, “you as Robin Hood,” she announces, to the sound effect of an arrow striking. Dylan tells her to come on, can she picture him in a pair of tights? “Can I ever,” Brenda says lasciviously. Me too, Brenda, me too. As she puts the costume back on the rack, Kelly walks out of the changing room and does a twirl, dressed in what appears to be a glittery satin bustier, and looking very pleased with herself. Dubious, Brenda asks if Kelly doesn’t think it’s a bit much, but Kelly points out that she doesn’t have a date for tonight, and if she is going to go to this party stag she wants to make a splash. Brenda tells her she’s more likely to start a fire in that thing, and Kelly tells her that it’s Halloween, the one night of the year when they get to dress up and act a little crazy. As Brenda raises an eyebrow, Kelly admits that her outfit isn’t that Halloweeny, but…. At which point Donna appears, clutching a costume bag, and announcing that she’s got it. Kelly asks what it is, but Donna says that it’s a surprise – it’s kind of stupid, but she thinks it could win for funniest costume.

In another aisle, Dylan, on a ladder, excitedly tells Steve to check it out, this is “righteous”. He pulls out a Clyde outfit from Bonnie and Clyde, speculating about whether Warren Beatty ever wore it, but Steve points out that it’s unlikely, as in the last scene he gets riddled with bullets. Dylan says that it’s his now, and walks over to where Brenda is standing with Kelly and Donna and puts his arm around her. “Hi, my name is Clyde Barrow, and this is Miss Bonnie Parker, and together we rob banks.” Brenda grins appreciatively, as do I.

Night. The moon lurks spookily behind the clouds, and trick-or-treaters roam the neighbourhood to the accompaniment of twee music. Chez Walsh, Cindy rearranges a basket full of raisins, thereby proving that she is PURE EVIL. Brandon asks if she doesn’t think the Beverly Hills kids are going to be a little disappointed with raisins, but Jim, hanging decorations, says that the kids get plenty of candy bars at everyone else’s house, and Cindy says she just wants to give them something a little wholesome – let the other people give them junk. “You know what they say,” says Jim pompously, “raisins are nature’s candy,” which is patently untrue: raisins are nature’s EVIL.